A Surprising Tactic to Neutralize Workplace Conflicts

Brief 

One way to work with difficult colleagues is to think about what they were like when they were younger, allowing you to be more compassionate and generous toward them and opening up an avenue to collaborate more effectively, writes Liz Kislik. “But this technique is not about treating the person like a child: if you trivialize them or infantilize them, it will not work at all,” Kislik writes.

Insight

Use This Strange But Effective Technique to Work with a Difficult Person

I’m often asked how it’s possible to collaborate—or even cooperate—with someone who’s belligerent, unpleasant, unfair, or inflexible. Sometimes people ask about a technique I share in my TEDx talk, “Why There’s So Much Conflict at Work and What You Can Do to Fix It.”

First, Know Where You Stand

If one colleague is complaining too much about another colleague, I ask if they believe that colleague is actually evil. This distinction is crucial because in any work group, people have differing needs and responsibilities that can put them at odds with each other—often by design.

When someone else is being unhelpful or causes problems, we tend to feel like this person is actually against us. We may think about them harshly and in excessively critical and unkind ways, which in turn, can fuel gossip, backbiting, and nasty backchannel conversations.

So far, no one has ever admitted to me that, yes, they think the other person is evil. (Keep in mind that if they did, we’d have to assess why that is and figure out what kind of behavioral coaching or rule-based discipline would resolve the situation.) Instead, they step back and recognize that although differences of purpose, opinion, or style get in their way, their opponent is not inherently a bad person.